Tight chest. Quick breath. Racing thoughts.
I didn’t understand why I was feeling this way – it was what seemed to be a perfect Tuesday morning. The sun peeking through the trees, a cozy heated blanket, cute ceramic blue coffee mug in hand, fire place flickering, and my bible on the coffee table ready to be cracked open.
But the back of neck began to sweat and my vision became blurry…. “WHAT IS GOING ON?” I asked myself. I looked down at my black leather banded apple watch – and like any natural hypochondriac would do – I checked my resting heart rate.
What normally would read 56 bpm came back with a high resting 123 beats per minute.
“I must be about to have a heart attack. Or maybe even a stroke” I thought to myself. “This is it. My life ends at 25. Did I accomplish everything I wanted to accomplish? Did I kiss my husband, Trent, before he left for work? I should have gotten my favorite chocolate cake last weekend… What will my mom do without me? Maybe I should put a bra on in case the ambulance has to come. Can we even afford an ambulance?”
After a dramatic tearful call to my husband while laying on the ground to elevate my legs against the wall (they say that works to lower blood pressure?) I found myself at a somewhat “normal” head space and heart rate again.
But I also found myself frustrated that I kept being met on my knees in a place of weakness. All these years later. I was a failure. Why couldn’t I seem to control my emotions? Why do I let my thoughts get the best of me? How can I fix this? What steps can I take to make it go away? I must not be trusting God. I’m a bad Christian. My poor husband must be getting really tired of this.
The cycle just continued. And continued.
I found myself thinking: Maybe next time I can pull myself together. I will just try harder.…
Have you ever felt this way? Overwhelmed by the pressures of life – feeling mentally beat up before the day even starts, knowing you’ll never measure up to the expectations you have for yourself or the expectations that others have for you?
Yeah, me too.
And that’s why I chose to start this blog series called “The Art Of Surrender: Trading in your perfect performance for present peace.”
The series will function almost like a short novel, where there will be different sections or chapters focusing on various ways that we can begin to live life in the “in between” by finding joy in the journey and being content with where we are now while still pursuing the fullest life God is offering us.
Some of the chapters or sections will be about:
- Being a people-pleaser – and how to stop.
- Not being your authentic self in fear of being “too much” or “too little” for others.
- Forming boundaries for yourself and your life by saying “NO..?”
- Finding your pack and letting people KNOW you.
- Stripping yourself of the pressure to be PERFECT but learning to say “enough” is good enough.
I know peace may seem distant and you may think you’re not meant to live life without a frog in your throat or the desire to always do or be better – but my hope is that this series will be able to shed some light and breathe truth into that lie.
Anxiety, perfection, performance, fear, and emotional outbursts are not how we were designed to live or function.
We CAN continuously settle into the peace God says lives within those who trust Him, and we CAN establish new mental and emotional cycles that lead to life-giving, fully thriving, joyfully beaming lives on display.
So I hope that if you stick around you will be spiritually fueled, mentally fed, and emotionally watered through this series.